True Dawn

Card Captor Sakura is copyright Clamp. I don't have any right to these characters, and I am not making any money off this.

I sit here, in the grass, staring out over the undulating fields of the Home Farm. The dew has fallen, but I don't feel cold or damp.

I feel empty.

I don't understand.

I didn't think there was anything wrong. We laughed together, talked together, had fun together. We shared jokes and our lives. Our bed.

Tonight our bed will only be mine.

The wind whistles around me, through me. The stars are coming out above me; not that I notice. Not that I care.

She's gone.

There's a step on the grass behind me; I turn to look, hoping against hope; but no. Their eyes are concerned as they look at me.

Nakuru breaks the silence. "Come inside. It's warm there."

I don't want to be warmed by central heating.

Spinel clears his throat. "The cook has made teriyaki chicken and miso for you."

Mrs. Rodgers must be worried. A good, solid English cook, she doesn't like cooking 'all that foreign muck' that I request, so it's always a battle to get my favoured Japanese, Chinese and Indian dishes on the menu. For her to cook miso without a request...

I stand up, and without a word begin the walk back to Read Manor. Spinel and Nakuru fall into step behind me. I'm not surprised that they have no words. This is, after all, the first time this has ever happened to me.

I am Hiiragizawa Eriol, one-half of the reincarnation of the most powerful wizard in the world and a powerful magician even now in my own right, master of Read Manor, fifteen years old. And I have just been dumped.

I sip the soup that Mrs. Rodgers has so painstakingly prepared. I can tell she took the extra care because I can taste it. That Spanish film told the truth; food prepared with great emotion will carry that feeling to its recipients. Mrs. Rodgers' miso tastes of worry, care and a great deal of anger, directed at Kaho.

She shouldn't be angry at her. She never liked her much, I knew, so this anger is a surprise. I would have thought she'd have been pleased.

Nakuru sips from her bowl. "Wow! Mrs. Rodgers must like you a lot more than she shows, Eriol. I can taste it!"

"Hmm," I agree, drinking some more of my own. Spinel and Nakuru never took their meals with Kaho and I. Kaho disliked it. I never really minded either way, but I realize, watching Nakuru perched in the chair to my left, and Spinel sitting gravely on a hastily-gathered pile of encyclopaedias on a chair to my right, that I have missed these dinners.

Kaho would have laughed at that, and she would then probably have missed dinner the next night, so I could eat with them again. Her kindnesses were never obtrusive.

Does Kinomoto Touya remember Kaho this way?

The thought flashes into my mind and I cannot stop myself thinking of the young man who is the older brother of my heir. My son, too, by the other half of my previous incarnation's reincarnation. My son-in-law, if one considers Yue to be my child. And my ex's ex.

How old was he when Kaho courted him, I wonder? I was ten. Was he older? Younger? They had a year together; we had five.

I shouldn't think these things.

But I can't stop. I knew I wasn't the first, but somehow, someway, I thought that I would be the last.

My bed is cold.

Last night, it was warm with companionship and (I thought) shared affection. The affection was all mine.

How long had she been lying there beside me, not wanting to be there? A week? A month? A year?

I can't believe I didn't notice.

Being a powerful magician, I thought that nothing would escape my notice. But I didn't see the most important thing in my life slipping away from me.

I roll over in bed.

She said there wasn't anyone else. I believe her. I have to believe her.

I won't think about the handsome boy in the advanced maths class she's teaching. I won't think about the fact that I was almost a child when we met. I won't think about how young Touya was when they met. I won't... I won't....

I can't stop thinking about it.

The sunrise is delicate this morning. Soft pinks and golds and oranges stroke the eastern sky. I suppose it's beautiful. But to me, the world is grey.

She's not here. She will never be here again.

"Eriol?" Spinel's voice is quiet in the silent room.

"What is it, Spinel?" I ask listlessly.

He hovers into view, holding the cordless. "It's Sakura. From Japan."

Well, she would hardly be calling from Bangladesh. "Thank you, Spinel," I tell him, holding out my hand. He carefully places the telephone in my outstretched hand.

She's calling just to talk, she says. I glance at Spinel, but he seems completely innocent of any intentions, good or otherwise, hovering just inside the door where he can unobtrusively eavesdrop.

We don't talk long, but I have a smile on my face when she hangs up. I nearly press the off button, but then I change my mind. Wandering over to my dresser, which has my wallet, which holds my credit cards, I dial British Airways.

They put me on hold - of course - and while the hold music attempts to forcibly convert me to the wonders of Bach, I tell Spinel to go wake Nakuru and tell her to pack, we're moving to Japan.

This is a time when a boy needs his family. Mine are all in Japan, and Kaho is here. I don't need to be good at geography to work out the answer to this question.

"And tell Nakuru, thanks for calling Sakura," I tell him as he flies through the door.

"Actually, he called Yue," he returns before he's out of  earshot.

I smile, my first genuine smile since yesterday morning.

Goodbye, Kaho.

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

1. Home farm: many manors and landed houses in England have a small farm attached. Officially this is under the direct supervision of the lord of the house, and many of the nobility of England who have an interest in agriculture will personally manage their home farms. As it is under their direct control, home farms have often been used to test new and experimental farming methods.

2. "That Spanish film": 'Like Water For Chocolate'. In the film, the lead female character finds that she has the ability to transfer to the recipients of any food she cooks the feelings she's having as she cooks it.