In Silence

GateKeepers is copyright a lot of people, none of whom I know, none of whom are myself.

I miss him.

I suppose some people - young Kaoru certainly, possibly Ruriko, but not Ukiya, I don't think - would think that I was crazy. Or that it was proof that I'm plotting against them all again.

I do hate him, now. I hate him - but only because there was a time when I thought I loved him. But now, I think I loved the image of him that I built inside my head. He simply saw it and slipped inside my dreams. Ironic - after I was sure I had thrown all my dreams away, he slid so neatly into the one I had clung to so tightly I didn't even realize I still had it.

I don't blame him, though. Does one blame a cobra for being what it is? It can't help it, and neither could he.

I think a part of me still loves him.

The Commander spent a long time talking with me, afterwards, and I told him what was at the root of my - corruption, he called it, but I don't see it that way.

I have never been important to anyone, I told him, and I wanted to be. Whatever it took. I always have.

What about your parents? he asked me. What about them?

I am about as individual to them as a noodle in one of the bowls of chow mein they cook in their restaurant, I replied. I am their daughter Megumi, not Megumi their daughter.

He was silent a long time.

It isn't true, he said finally. You are the only GateKeeper with the Gate of Protection.

And how important is that? I asked, bitterly. How many missions depended on the Gate of Protection, rather than Ukiya's Gate of Wind, or Ruriko's Gate of Life? Even the Gate of Illusion is more important to AEGIS.

I already know I'm unique. Everybody is unique. I want to be important.

He had no answers for me. Only platitudes. I listened in silence, and left as soon as politeness permitted.

He made me feel important. That was what was so insidious, really. All his beliefs tallied in with my own. Only the important were worthy of his regard, therefore as I had his regard, I was important. It was what I wanted to hear.

What wakes me up at night, though, is that even now his actions seem so reasonable. People are stupid. Litterbugs are idiots. Rude people are selfish. And it is so tempting to try to teach those cruel jocks who taunt the quiet ones (like myself) until they crack a lesson that they will never forget....

His Gate was black. Mine is not - it's green. Which proves to me that this darkness at the bottom of my heart is not imposed, as it was on Ruriko, nor is it a madness, as it was with him, but a part of me. Which means that it will never go away.

I wonder if the Commander realizes what a danger I could be, if I chose?

Will I choose?

All I want, really, is to be important. It doesn't have to be to the nation, or the world. Technically I am already, and I know how real that importance is. The real importance is when someone smiles when you enter the room, because you have entered the room. It's when someone feels their life has changed because you entered it. And it doesn't matter if that person is the only one who feels that way; that they do feel that way is all that you need. That I need.

All I want is to be important.

It was a lie, but he made me feel important.

I miss him.