Moment

by Raye Johnsen

'Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon' is copyright Takeuchi Naoko, Shogakukan, Mixx Communications, DiC Communications and Nelvana Productions. 'Breathe In Now' is copyright george and all associated parties. I have no rights nor any claim to any.

Many, many thanks are due to Aishuu, who very kindly beta'd this fic and saved it from oblivion. Arigatou gozimasu, oneichan!

You know, I never thought things would work out like this. You probably did, though, Mako-chan. You always were chasing your dreams, your eyes fixed on some distant horizon I couldn't even glimpse, and I loved that about you. I look at you and I can see love and beauty, all around me. Another thing I love you for.

Ah, don't make that face! I don't mean that I loved you like that. You're my sister, my best friend, my confidante. I don't say I didn't wonder once or twice, when we were teenagers, what it would be like to be your boyfriend, but you were always off chasing all the sexy guys.

I always wondered a little, what it would be like to be the focus of your attention. But what we had was much better. I never had to be jealous. Other guys came and went, but nobody else was your heart-brother. Nobody else got dragged out to the field behind your house and got to run around with a flimsy butterfly net to try to catch that dragonfly you were always chasing.

Please don't look like that, Mako-chan. I can see the sadness embedded in your frown, and it hurts. Neither of us are here, like this, because we want to be. Believe that, Mako-chan.

You can't keep closing yourself off like this, Mako-chan. I can't help but wonder why you choose not to talk to those around you about this. We all love you. This is hurting everyone. You used to tell me, when we were kids, that facing something you wanted to deny was like lifting heavy feet higher than you wanted to, a task beyond your strength. I used to laugh and lift your feet up in my hands. Remember? I'd grab your ankle and pull and you'd hop around on one foot, flapping your arms like a dragonfly's wings. "They're not too heavy," I'd say, and "I want to believe you're telling the truth!" you'd reply, and I'd say "I am"....

Don't! It was nothing. It happens all the time now. Only to be expected, really.

After all, dying isn't supposed to be fun.

Don't ice up like that, Mako-chan! You're like a ghost, standing there - I almost expect you not to cast a shadow. You're standing still, but I can tell - inside your head you're walking away with every word you choose not to say to us.

We've always been there for each other, Mako-chan. You can't do this. I can't let you throw away what we've got left in mourning for the fact that I will go. There'll be time for that after I'm gone. You'll have time. I don't like to see you put your dreams on the shelf, to deal with on that one day when everything will be perfect. It's never perfect, Mako-chan, hasn't life taught you that much? You can't say "When you get better, Ken-chan," because I won't. Old age isn't something you get better from!

I've had a good life. I just wanted to be happy, for you and for myself. I was. I am. It's enough, Mako-chan. It's more than a lot of people have.

You know what this has taught me, Mako-chan? That, in the end, we all only have one second. There's only ever this minute, only ever today. I can't press rewind and turn it back; our past is over. And however much we reach for the future, it's always just out of reach. You know, Mako-chan? If I had the breath, right this moment, I'd sing out loud. I'd say I love now, I like now, and I breathe in now. This moment. It's worth it to me. It's the only thing worth anything, this moment, and the moments to come, and they're so precious because I can see the end of them.

You can't freeze time and hang on to one second, Mako-chan. We all know what happened to Sailor Pluto when she did that. We all have to move on and the most we can do is hold on to what we learn. You managed to let go of this 'the whole world's against me' notion you had. It was a shackle that formed young around you, and you broke free of it. Don't put it back on!

It's not all up to you, Mako-chan. You can count on the other Senshi. They're there for you too. All I want is to know that you're going to be okay.

I had a good life, a long life, Mako-chan. I got to see the birth of Crystal Tokyo, the birth and growth of Princess Small Lady Usagi and I saw the loss and redemption of Nemesis. Over a thousand years. Just think, when we were young, we thought a hundred years was a long life.

I'm not saying I'm happy about this, Mako-chan. You think I don't want another thousand years? Of course I do! But... if this is all the time we have, then it's stupid to waste it on mourning.

Not when we have dreams to chase.

We still haven't caught that dragonfly.

Author's Notes

I want it to be perfectly clear - I didn't want to write a dying-fic, but Ken and the song double-teamed me!

The song, 'Breathe In Now' by george always, but always, reduces me to tears when I hear it. To me it's a letting-go song, a song that urges the listener to set away the past and embrace the present, but at the same time denies a future - the lyrics imply the singer is not going to be around to verify the state of the object of the song. Each will go their path alone.

Ken is an anime-only character, from the first half of Sailor Moon R, but I've always found him intriguing. He's a normal person, neither a senshi nor a Crystal holder, and is the only normal person who is a close friend of any of the Senshi. I've always felt that his perspective on Makoto would be very interesting.

I'm following fanon here, that says that while people in Crystal Tokyo live extraordinarily long lives, up to a thousand years, the Senshi are, for all practical purposes, immortal. So, as a normal person who is very close to Sailor Jupiter, Ken will live long and well - but will one day die, while Makoto will not.

The dragonfly comes from Makoto's portion of the opening credits sequence of the Sailor Moon SuperS movie, 'The Fabulous Nine Get Together! Miracle In The Black Dream Hole'. Shot in sepia, it shows a five-year-old Makoto stalking a dragonfly and constantly failing to catch it; the portion closes on a coloured snapshot of the child Makoto looking woebegone with the dragonfly perched on top of her head.

Breathe In Now: George

I see love and beauty all around,
I also see the sadness that's embedded in your frown
I wonder why you choose not to talk to those around,
I sense a fear of lifting heavy feet
higher than you want to,
I just want to believe your truth...

you stand there but you do not cast a shadow,
you walk away with every word you choose not to say
I suppose that moving on paints a new colour for each day,
I don't like to see dreams put on the shelf,
to deal with on that one day,
I just want to be happy for you

'cause I only have one second, this minute today
I can't press rewind and turn it back and call it now
and so this moment, I just have to sing out loud
and say I love I like and breathe in now
and say I love I live and breathe in now

I move on holding on to what I learn,
it's time to move on from the notion
that the whole world's against me
break free of shackles that formed young,
time free in now and now I know,
it's not all up to me,
I can count on another
so move on lighter and be free ....

I believe in for today
I just want to know that you're okay
cause I believe in breathing just for today
I just want to know that you're okay....