Mine!

Yu Yu Hakusho is copyright The Original Author, Shogakukan and various others. In other words, NOT ME.

I don't know how much longer I can stand this.

He walks a little ahead; The Cat Who Walks By Himself, as in the poem I'm learning for English. His lambent eyes see everything, two shards of ruby (and one of amethyst) that miss nothing.

Except me. Except my feelings.

I suppose I should see the bright side of this - he's so secure in my friendship that he doesn't see the need to scrutinise me as he would a threat. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I worked so hard for him to accept me, and now he does. I wanted him to see me as a friend, and now I am his confidante. I needed for him to be on my side and now he unquestioningly accepts our alliance - no, now he automatically moves to be beside me in a fight.

I want more.

He can't give it.

It's not that he won't, it's that I've seen the pain in his eyes when I get too close. All his life he's been rejected and reviled. He's built a wall between the world and his soul, and the last thing he wants is to let an enemy in behind the barricade. If someone tore down the wall and then abandoned him, he would be defenceless against the universe.

I couldn't abandon him. Not when a glance at his eyes in the morning, whether they're glowing with happy mischief or shuttered with pain, decrees my mood for the day. He holds my heart and that's no minor thing. Ningen love many times, youko not at all, and I have struck a happy medium; I don't love much, but that I do, I do for all eternity.

So I know I will love Hiei, that beautiful, wounded, oblivious youkai, for the rest of my life.

So why can't he see that?

Rubbing my stomach, I continue to saunter in Hiei's wake down the street. Unrequited love is hell on the body; I get hungry but when I try to eat, I get nauseous. It's all I can do to eat dinner with my family these days.

We part ways at the corner of my street. Or, rather, he leaps up into a tree and is lost to my view.

Entering my home, it is hard to put on a good face for Kaasan. That I manage is more of a reflection on my acting skills than my feelings. Dinner is torture. When I escape, pleading homework, it's all I can do not to sigh with relief.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Fox?"

I jump and swing in the desk chair. I was not expecting to hear from him tonight. He's sitting on my windowsill, one leg hunched up under his chin and the other dangling down inside my room. He has no idea that the sight of that slender leg, light and delicate and too short to reach my floor, touches off all my protective instincts, that the slender pointed chin is both charming and elegant, that those bright dark red eyes are like stained stars dancing in the light, or that the entire picture is making my groin tighten and my heart pound and my self respect very glad that I'm wearing a long top that falls over my pelvis, not-so-incidentally hiding my reaction.

"Nothing, Hiei."

"You're not eating, you're losing weight, you're not fighting well. Something's wrong. What is it?"

Well, that was quite a speech from him. "I said, 'nothing', Hiei!" If you can't see it, I sure as Meikai am not going to tell you!

"It's not 'nothing', Fox. If it was, you wouldn't be getting excited."

He has no idea - he can't have any idea - of how right he is. Hiei isn't nothing, and I am so excited simply by his presence that I can barely think straight. Part of me, the part that's used to partners falling regularly into my bed, is whispering To Meikai with it all, take him!, the cunning strategist that evaded almost every trap ever set, that's only been enhanced with the addition of a very keen ningen intellect, is whispering Wait, it's not time yet, and the friend, the one who's managed to win him this far, is saying Don't! I'll lose him, don't!.

"Are you ill?"

It's a simple, innocent question, one that a friend would ask, and with that thought I feel as if someone's sucker-punched me, right in the solar plexus. The nausea and excitement and sheer, straight-out nervousness are too much, and I sprint for the bathroom, making it there just before I throw up all of Kaasan's excellent dinner.

Clinging to the porcelain of the pedestal, my mind is running around in circles. Hiei has no idea of the effect he has on me...

A gentle hand pats my hair and Hiei's voice says quietly, in a tone I've never heard him use, "I was right then. You're ill."

"No. Go away."

"I'll fetch Yukina-"

"NO!"

"All right, then."

I blink. Simple acquescience? That isn't Hiei! I turn, only to see the Jagan on his forehead opening, a deadly amethyst slash beneath his fringe...

I'm standing on a barren plain beneath a storm-lit sky. Mountains in the distance spurt flame and lightning cracks across the heavens.

"Where am I?"

"Here." A disembodied voice answers me.

Okay, I can play Twenty Questions with an enigmatic anonymous voice with the best of them. "And where's here?"

There's a tone of bafflement in the voice when it replies, "Here's... here." It's obvious it's never had to answer the question before.

"Where's my body?" I switch the question.

There's a note of enlightenment in the voice, as if to say, ah, now we're getting somewhere! "Outside. Do you wish to see?"

"YES!"

A milky globe materialises and I gaze into it to see my own face, distorted by the curve of the globe. It's covered with a fine set of lines - nerves, I think, though it could be the veins that lie beneath my skin - and I can see my bones, and the organs that run my body. My head is cushioned on a black-clad lap and two taped arms are patting down my torso gently. Golden ki is emanating from them, running along the web of lines that covers my body, congregating in the areas of the body where I've picked up the hundred little scrapes and bruises that are the daily cost of a fragile mortal body. When the ki dissipates, the injury is gone.

I'm looking through Hiei's eyes. He's healing me.

"I never knew you could heal, Hiei."

"You never asked, Kurama."

He's standing there, behind me, slender and strong and so desirable. And behind him is a huge wall. Hiei's wall. I am closer, in this dream state, to my goal than at any other time.

This realm is all allegory and imagination; if I imagine a door in the wall-

I move fast, but he's still faster, fleeing for that door to get inside and close it before I can use it. He is afraid, but I am desperate. Desperation will win over fear at any time and this is no exception. He beats me there, but I squeeze past and in before he can slam it shut.

The sight I see is dazzling. I already knew Hiei was beautiful and strong; the colours and objects behind the wall are glorious in their display. Crystals reflect images at me; some are distorted, but many - hundreds - glow from within, lit by the joy of the memories they carry. Glancing at one, I see myself.

The memory is the first time I met Hiei.

I look at another, and another. Me, wrapping his arm after he released the Kokoryuuha. A strategy session where I did most of the talking. All the golden memories are of me.

A silver crystal lies nearby. Silver and gold dominate this place; though the other colours dazzle, they can't touch the clear metallic shades. I am curious; who else does he care for?

I am not jealous!

Picking it up, I look closely. Yukina's face smiles back at me. Yukina. Of course. I let out the breath I didn't realise I was holding. Of course he would love his sister!

And the silver crystals are as numerous as the golden ones.

He loves her so much and clearly he feels the same about me.

He loves her.

He feels the same emotion for me.

He... loves...

He loves me.

Blindsided by the shock, I lose my grip on this beautiful jagged world and fall out of the light.

I open my eyes. Hiei's face is shuttered. When he opens his eyes, I see fear.

No, don't be afraid, I feel like saying. I'm right here. I won't leave. I can't. You hold me as surely as if I were the Kokoryuuha bound to your arm. I would die without you...

But I can't say that, or he would run faster than the light. I have to say the right thing...

Words are so clumsy, sometimes. I reach up and pull his face down, and kiss him. Shuuichi's first kiss. In it, I try to say all of it. That I am his.

"I love you."

His breath stills as I say it. What I have wanted to say for so long.

"I-"

"Shush, love," I tell him, and stop his mouth with a kiss. Time enough for that later, when we have loved and need to hear it; now it will only cause embarrassed delay, halting confessions and prevent me from doing what I really want, which is to touch, stroke and caress Hiei till he's writhing with pleasure. I want to make my ever-vigilant fire demon forget everything but me.

I lick his cheek, stroking up to his ear. Such a delectable morsel! Nibbling and tasting till he's wriggling, I twist until we face each other.

Another kiss, and this time he opens his lips to me. Sweet hot warmth within his mouth - it almost burns my tongue. I pick him up - I can't believe we're still in the bathroom! I've been incredibly lucky none of my family needed the bathroom in all this time. Without lifting my mouth from his sweet taste, I carry him to my room and lay him down on the bed.

He looks bewildered. Nobody has ever touched him this way before. An innocent. It's amazing, but in all my years, I've never made love to a virgin. And then, as I feel my body reacting to this, I suddenly remember: Shuuichi is virgin, too. In a very important way, tonight is a first for all of us. Hiei has never loved before, as Shuuichi, I have never loved another before, and I've never made love to somebody I actually love before.

I smile. "Relax, love," I murmur. I kiss him again, moving down the column of his perfect throat. He's tense beneath me; as if he's still afraid. My mate should not be afraid. Talking of which-

He jerks as I sink my teeth in and tear up. I have to be careful; the juncture between throat and shoulder is a vulnerable one, and I can't afford to tear one of his veins or tendons. But I have to make enough damage to leave a scar.

"Mine," I breathe, as I lick away the blood. It's primitive, yes, but unmistakable; the scar will mark Hiei as a youko's mate, and nobody can contest it. "Mine," I breathe again as I move down his perfect chest, suddenly relaxed.

He's staring at me as I lift my eyes to his - wide and vulnerable. They slam shut in the pleasure as I lick and nip at the sweet nipple beneath my chin.

Tracing my way down his body, I take pleasure in sweetly torturing my innocent mate; he has no idea that the ribs have nerves running along them that sing when stroked by the tongue, or that when I brush my eyelashes over his nipples his body will react as violently as it does. His moans and cries are sweet, and I don't think I've ever heard anything as arousing as the way he creels my name when I kiss his navel.

Stroking his legs apart, I pause and wait. After a few minutes, Hiei's sensual haze clears and he looks down at me. I smile at my sweet mate, and take his length in my mouth.

"KURAMA!" he wails, as I stimulate the ache. I hear the longing, the shock and the bewilderment in his voice. He wants something - but he doesn't yet know what...

I'm going to show him.

I lick up his penis and, at the same time, insert my index finger into his anus. He jerks in shock and I smile at him again. He relaxes, and I find I can move the finger in, all the way to its base. Looking at Hiei, I see a straining look, and realize: he trusts me. Enough to try to let me do what I want.

I can't cry. This initiation is too important for tears to mar it. So I simply move up and kiss Hiei again, tongue to tongue, moving my finger gently within, until I find the prostate.

His sudden jerk and renewed erection tell me when I've succeeded. I kiss him again, and insert a second finger.

He's ready now, I decide, as Hiei mews with frustration under the double stimulation of my fingers and tongue. Ensuring the lubricant's well spread on my own cock, I gently slide within him.

Hiei flings his head back, shaking and groaning beneath my steady thrusts. I want him to come while I'm inside him, to feel the pleasure while I surround him, and so I reach down and begin to stroke his cock.

He screams my name as the pleasure hits him, so violently that his seed spatters both our chests and even reaches my cheek.

The clench of his muscles around me is too much, and I come in flashes of glorious light, burying myself suddenly, violently,  within him.

The moonlight pools on our bed as I lie looking at my mate, his strong and delicate form a study in contrasts as well as beauty. His eyes open slowly, gently, in the afterglow.

I kiss him, gently, as I did not do before, and roll over, holding him to my chest.

"I love you, Hiei. My mate. Mine."

His eyes widen, and he buries his face in my shoulder. His whole body shakes, and his shoulders heave.

He isn't... he can't be... crying?

I cradle him against my chest, and eventually he calms down, lifting his face to mine. Solemnly he hands me a small gem.

Round, about the size of a pearl, but black, with prismlike reflections of red and blue and green within. I would think it a Tear of Grief, but we've made sure Yukina doesn't cry anymore, and anyway, Tears of Grief are white.

But then, only Yukina was supposed to be able to heal, and Hiei is her twin brother.

I lift my face to Hiei, trying to frame the question, but he leans up and kisses me.

"Yours," he whispers softly, and I realise that he has answered all my questions.

As we drift into sleep, I wonder where I can find an honest jeweller so I can get it strung onto a chain properly...