In The Kitchen

Warning: slight violation of the Fourth Wall

This is a quote challenge fic - that is, a list of quotes was posted and as many of them as possible had to be included in the fics written in response.  Rather than post the list, all the quotes used in this fic will be this colour.

"Kidou Senki Gundam Wing" is copyright Sunrise, Bandai, Viz, Mixx and all other interested parties, of which I am not one. This is for entertaining other fans only, not for profit. May I be stuffed headfirst into the Zero System if this statement is untrue.

It is one of the laws of shounen anime that the lead female character, when in the kitchen, has the kind of skills that make mad scientists insane with frustrated envy. Examples of the rule include such luminaries as Himura Kaoru, whose husband gently, politely and permanently threw her out of her own kitchen within minutes of his arrival at her dojo, and Tendou Akane, whose apparent ability to cause otherwise innocuous foods to undergo cellular reconfiguration into lethal substances is still under investigation.

Relena Peacecraft was determined not to be among them.

She was joined in this endeavour by her best friend, Hilde Shreibecker (although Hilde was only a minor character and thus could get away with being a competent cook), and her sister-in-law Lucrezia (who everyone called by her maiden name, Noin, on pain of pain).

Relena checked the 'Cooking for Dummies'(TM) book again. Everyone was wearing an apron. Hilde's was a red, rubberized barbeque apron reading 'Kiss the Cook!', Noin wore a navy-blue-and-white striped butcher's apron, and Relena wore a frilly pinafore. Still, she reminded herself, sometimes it is the thought that counts.

"Are our hands clean?" Relena asked.

Two pairs of shining hands were held up.

"All right," Relena said, "let's make some cookies."

There was dead silence for a second.

Then, "... but I brought the ingredients for apple pie," Hilde replied.

"Zechs asked for spaghetti..."

"... Fine," Relena said. "Cooking can't be that difficult. I'm sure we won't run into any problems, even if we do cook separate foods." She picked up the can of self-raising flour she'd bought, to put it back on the shelf. Unfortunately, she hadn't quite dried her hands yet, and it slipped out of her hands.

*crunch*

"OW!!!!"

Cooking was temporarily set aside in favour of getting Relena and her brand-new broken toe to a doctor.

Later that day, Relena decided to try again.

"I am going," she declared, "to cook nine gingerbread Gundams."

"Nine?" asked Noin. "Where do you get nine from?"

Relena looked at her. "The cookie cutter," she explained. "And the dough. If I make enough."

"I think she meant, why nine?" Hilde interjected soothingly.

"Because that's all that will fit on my baking tray."

"No mystical significance? No specialized designs for each Gundam?" Noin questioned.

"I am only starting to learn to cook," Relena replied with dignity. "I hope that I am wise enough to recognise my limits."

"She has a point," Hilde conceded.

"There!" Relena said, with satisfaction, as she laid the last gingerbread figure on the tray lined with greaseproof paper. "All done, all mine, ALL MINE! Hahahaha!"

Noin gently pulled at her arm. "Okay, back awaaaaay from the cookie."

Now that Relena's masterpieces were in the oven, she felt free to wander over and watch the other two, poking her nose i- er, offering constructive advice.

"The key to successful Italian cooking," Noin informed the kitchen at large, "is the proper proportion of spices. Particularly oregano." She shook a generous portion of the herb into the tomatoey mixture she was stirring on the stove, sampling it. Blinking, she picked up the can. "Hmm.... Where did you buy this oregano, Relena?"

"I didn't, it was here before we came in. Why?"

"Nothing - it's just that it's got an odd flavour to it. Anyway, as I was saying, the proper use of oregano is essential. Hmm, I think I'll add a little more. Oregano is a great plant, you know... "

"Enough with the oregano. You're obsessed with the oregano," Hilde called from her side of the room.

Noin blinked, her eyes dilated unnaturally wide. "Ooh, look at the pretty light," she said dreamily, and fell over.

"Noin?"

"It's marijuana," the doctor told them.

"What? How? What was it doing in my kitchen?" Relena demanded.

"Marijuana," the doctor said, "when dried and chopped, looks almost exactly like dried and chopped oregano. More experienced people than your sister-in-law have been taken in before. As for what it was doing in your kitchen, I suggest you ask your cook."

"How long do you think Noin should stay here?" Hilde asked worriedly.

In the silence, the sound of quite a good soprano telling the universe at large that she was going to wash that man right out of her hair, interspersed with unflattering comments about men who were unnaturally vain about their hair, echoed from down the corridor.

"A few hours yet," the doctor said.

They decided to leave Noin at the hospital (so Zechs wouldn't come home to find her saying such things as "Castration is FUN!") and come home to rescue the gingerbread. They were in time; it wasn't more than singed around the edges.

Hilde waited until after Relena had taken the gingerbread out to slip the apple pie into the oven. Then, they each picked up a gingerbread cookie, and bit into it. They both chewed, and swallowed.

Relena was the first to break the silence. "Well, I guess that when it comes to cooking, I'm only good for my height and carrying things."

Hilde swallowed, and smiled at her friend. "At least it's edible, and I'm the right skin tone and everything. Congratulations."

Shaking her head, Relena smiled back. "Hilde, you're a fruitcake."

"I am not a fruitcake! I am an apple pie, damn you!"

They both laughed.

"Let's cook dinner and check on your pie, shall we?" Relena asked, standing up from the table.

They surveyed the charred, inedible remains. Hilde gently squeezed Relena's shoulder.

"Don't worry," she said. "There will be other sausages."

Noin was duly rescued from the tender mercies of the medical profession an hour later. Most of the high had worn off, but she was still coming out with odd statements at odd times.

"So what do we tell people about today?" Hilde asked as they drove home.

"We had fun. We did female bonding. And if you tell anyone about my toe, my cooking or how we got that recording of Noin singing 'I'm A Slave 4 U', I will kill you. And bury your body in that Queen Relena dress Romefeller made me wear."

"Wu Fei's helping the grapes have sex," Noin informed them from the back seat.

"My lips are sealed," Hilde assured her. "What if she remembers?"

Relena took her eyes off the traffic for a minute and glanced into the back seat.

"Quatre is the devil, he makes me spontaneously combust with his eyes," declared Noin.

"Now that I really didn't need to know," Hilde said, too calmly.

"I think we just got blackmail material," Relena muttered.

"While she's high?"

There was silence in the car for a moment.

"And then there was random lesbian sex," Noin opined.

Relena sighed. "Not in this car."

All the male Preventers turned up to escort Hilde and Noin home.

"Coffee? Tea? Cheese?" Relena offered, as they entered.

Duo Maxwell gave her a wide grin and said, "Yes!"

"What is it about this goddamn flower that makes everyone so bloody happy? Is it the crack flower?!!?" Hiiro demanded, obviously continuing a conversation begun in the car.

"Flowers make people happy, Hiiro..." Relena heard Trowa say, as she left the room to bring in the serving platter of cheeses and the pots of tea and coffee she'd prepared as she'd seen them driving up the long driveway.

"I'm sorry, Relena." Hilde was standing behind her.

"It's okay," the ex-Queen of the World replied, without turning around. "It's not like... like we ever were an item, you know. I gave up on him ages ago - before Sanq fell, or anything. I don't get why it still hurts...."

"If it's any help, he's hoeing through your gingerbread like there's no tomorrow."

Relena smiled thinly. "... Thanks, Hilde," she said softly, then turned around and plastered a broad, beaming smile on her face. "Let's go feed those boys!"

But Hilde? There's a lesson I learned long ago. When it comes to matters of the heart, if at first you don't succeed, give up. Hearts give no second chances.

Bearing food, Relena stepped out of the kitchen.